


Why I Would Like To Be A Sith Lord

by LOTLOF



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 12:04:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LOTLOF/pseuds/LOTLOF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short list of the advantages of being a Sith Lord, and the disadvantages of being a Jedi Knight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why I Would Like To Be A Sith Lord

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted by me on Fanfiction.net in 2011.
> 
> Any of you who enjoy my stories are welcome to read more of them at my website, www.storiesfromlotlof.com

WHY I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE A JEDI

Because you are expected to live a semi-monkish existence even while acting as the galaxy's generals / police force / trouble shooters. Celibacy and a life centered around conflict and violence don't look to be a good combination.

Because living too long as a Jedi will backward speak make you it will.

Because the Jedi can be pretty hypocritical about when and how their morality applies. Consider:

So having more than one padawan at a time is forbidden.

Falling in love and marrying is forbidden.

Trying to rescue your mom who may be in danger is forbidden.

Missing your mom when you are a little boy is frowned upon.

Just being afraid is frowned upon. (There is the whole path to the dark side thing though.)

Caring whether friends live or die is frowned upon.

Grieving when a loved one is taken from you is frowned upon.

And yet…

Trying to use the Force to compel someone to do business with you is acceptable.

Using the Force to rig a dice toss is acceptable.

Deliberately putting a child into a dangerous life threatening situation (pod race) to acquire funds, as opposed to using the Force on others to raise said funds, is acceptable. (Admittedly using the Force to basically mug people or win at craps isn't exactly moral, but is it better to put a completely innocent child in danger?)

Leaving a child's mother in slavery when the cost of purchasing her freedom would have been negligible is acceptable.

Oh and a Jedi Master decided it was okay to execute a prisoner who, while clearly guilty, was apparently defenseless and at his mercy. So under the correct circumstances murder is acceptable.

Don't get me wrong; there is a lot to the Jedi philosophy deserving of respect. But for a group that takes such pride in its ethical behavior they do seem to pick and choose when to apply them.

Because a Jedi is expected not to feel fear, anger, hate, lust, sorrow, regret, or even love. What does that leave exactly? Mildly bored?

Because even when they are certain the enemy has just let them go and they are being tracked, they still go directly to the rebel base rather than another locations where the plans can be given to a courier and they can escape.

Because they never want to be told the odds.

Because they are no match for droid destroyers with shield generators.

Because there is bound to be a prohibition against masturbating. I would explode.

Because the scariest bad ass in your entire organization is green and the size of a ten year old.

Because despite being granted occasional visions of the future not one of them even suspected their whole order was in danger of extermination.

Because you are not allowed to use your Jedi powers to pick up hot women in bars.

Because the only way to become more powerful than you ever imagined requires you to die first. Uh, doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose?

And the number one reason I would never want to be a Jedi…

After knowing Jar Jar for more than two minutes he was still alive.

 

WHY I WOULD LIKE TO BE A SITH

Because their clothes are so much cooler.

Because they're permitted to give into hate.

Because they have stormtroopers but don't need to deal with all those Nazi issues.

Because who wouldn't want to be able to choke someone to death with the force just because they DARED to question your judgment?

Because even when the worst happens apprentices are easy to replace.

Because they know how to set up the best traps.

Because they have powers that can not be learned from a Jedi.

Because all men love big powerful toys and how the hell do you top a freakin' Deathstar?

Because they own the copyright of the word 'imperial.'

Because they have an excellent educational program. Those who were once the students are able to become the masters.

Because living on the Dark Side brings huge savings on your electrical bills.

Because if you sign a bad contract you can always alter the agreement. 

Because you can interrogate people and not even ask any questions. 

Because even when they are left scarred and disfigured they still draw cheers.

Because they offer full medical and dental benefits for life; including cybernetic limbs and and life support suits.

Because you do not need to concern yourself with the motives or beliefs of others. Anyone who is not with you is your enemy. (This makes life much simpler.)

And because everyone knows the Dark Side has the best cookies.


End file.
